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Post By Visionary, with a short bit of continuity advancement Sun Sep 18, 2005 at 04:12:36 pm EDT |
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The Morning News . . . [Includes spoilers for the latest Adventures in Parodyverse] | |
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The Morning News “What’s wrong with Pricilla?” Visionary asked dangerously, turning from the bathroom mirror. “I didn’t say anything was wrong with her… I’m sure she’s a perfectly lovely person once you get to know her” Fleabot answered hastily. “Which raises the question: Have you gotten to know her?” Visionary sniffed and resumed shaving. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Well, I’m obviously not talking in the Biblical sense… We all pretty much know the answer to that one. Nice birthmark, by the way” the miniscule robot drawled. “What I mean is… aren’t you moving a little fast? This isn’t like you.” “Thank god” the Legionnaire muttered under his breath. “Eh?” Fleabot asked, cocking his head. “Nothing” Visionary sighed. “Look, I don’t know why all my friends seem to want to give me a hard time about Pricilla. I should think you’d all be happy for me. First I don’t get out enough, and then when I finally try to get back in the swing of things, I’m suddenly going too fast.” “Well, you don’t have to go from fasting to pulling your chair up to the endless buffet at Kirby Lee’s.” “Dammit, Donar and I only did that once, and it was buffalo wing night!” “Only once because you haven’t been allowed back in the restaurant since. The “do not serve” mugshots behind the matre’d’s podium must be an endless source of pride…” Fleabot countered. “Wait… what the hell are we talking about? It was a metaphor, for crying out loud. I meant you don’t have to go from staying home alone every night to running away for a steamy weekend with a woman you hardly even know! The Vizh we all thought we knew took his time and hyperventilated a lot before he jumped into the deep end of the relationship pool...” “And the Vizh you all knew was shot down, repeatedly!” he answered hotly, throwing the razor in the sink. “Hallie? Just taking me out for pity’s sake. Sarah? As soon as she came to her senses, flat out told me I was too nice to do anything for her. Miiri? Said she didn’t want to define our relationship through sexual intercourse… right after telling me how much the Caphans wanted to sleep with Josh. Lara? Spent the entire night with me to decide maybe some day she’d want to sleep with me.” He angrily slapped on some aftershave. “Are you okay?” Fleabot asked, taken aback by the outburst. “It just really stings.” “Look, I know rejection can be…” “I was actually talking about the aftershave” Visionary noted, wincing at the bottle. “It seemed so pleasant when that lady at the department store spritzed me with it. Am I breaking out in any rash? If so, I should discontinue use immediately…” “I think you might want to do that anyway. And I don’t even have a nose.” He waved a tiny arm to clear the air in front of him. “Look, we’re all just a bit worried about you… You haven’t been yourself since the whole thing with your heart. You know, where you pretty much died.” “The first time, or the second?” “Does it matter?!” Fleabot cried in exasperation. “You went through some pretty traumatic experiences, and it’s bound to throw anyone for a bit of a loop. Maybe it would be a good idea for you to talk things out…” “I do talk things out” Visionary assured him defensively. “Just yesterday, Liu Xi asked me…” “I don’t mean with an emotionally scarred, sheltered nineteen year old!” the insectiod robot noted sharply. “And not to family, or to close friends either. You’ve weaseled your way into the hearts of too many people, and they’re all messed up from you practically dying as well. I think you need to talk to someone removed from all of this… Someone who can help you get your head together…” “You want me to talk to a shrink” Visionary surmised darkly. Fleabot produced a business card from his person, which quickly grew to full size. “Therapist” he clarified. “Frankly, the whole lot of you Legion folks should have one on call, but this is a start.” He tossed it at the Legionnaire, who reluctantly caught it. “The good doctor comes highly recommended, and your health insurance will cover the sessions.” Visionary looked up skeptically. “So I’m crazy for wanting to sleep with a beautiful woman?” “Not crazy. Just a bit out of control. You’re being reckless with your emotions, and somebody’s going to end up getting hurt.” Visionary blinked. “I wouldn’t hurt Pricilla...” he stated, slightly wounded. “I’m not like that.” “Personally, I feel her own robotic flea friends can worry about her.” Fleabot replied pointedly. “Ah.” The Regular pocked the card and turned back to the mirror. “You worry like a tiny old woman” he replied with a bit of forced humor. “Pricilla is a wonderful person, who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Trust me… I’m a great judge of character. Everyone is blowing this whole thing out of proportion… Nobody freaks out when Lisa, or Dancer, or Dream, or Josh would fall into bed with someone.” He chewed his lip. “Well, so maybe people are freaking about Josh this time, but normally…” “Lisa, Dancer, Dream and Josh don’t leave themselves wide open to be used and tossed aside” Fleabot responded. “With the possible exception of Dancer… but she somehow seems to make it part of her charm.” “But I’m not made of such stern stuff, is that it?” Visionary said, combing his hair. “Well, maybe it’s past time I learned to be. Had I been my old self, when Pricilla came on to me I would have blushed and hesitated and not acted until I got to know her better, and she would have said to herself “what a nice, asexual guy…” and turned her attention to Hatman or Josh or somebody else while assuring me what a ‘great friend’ I am.” He paused. “Er… only, you know, not really Josh... Just someone like him… yet, not, you know, her brother…” He shook his head to clear it and continued. “And yes, I wouldn’t be out there risking getting hurt… but I’d still be lonely and frustrated, and I’d never make my way through this bottle of $15 aftershave.” He sighed. “You know, for that kind of money, you’d think it’d be bigger.” “We all thank heaven it’s not” Fleabot assured him. “Look, seizing the day is all well and good, but not if you’re seizing things out of a misplaced fear that if someone has time to see the real you they’ll run away. It’s not like you to be so opportunistic.” He sighed. “You might be right, and Pricilla might be the one for you. And even if she’s not, it might be enough that you have a good time with each other while it lasts. But this is about more than her alone. Just… think about what I said, okay? And consider seeing the therapist. It really couldn’t hurt to talk to somebody objective.” Visionary grimaced and spooned up a scoop of dry, sadly silent Rice Krispies from his bowl while he turned the business card over in his hand. He talked plenty, he noted gruffly to himself. Well, plenty for a person who wasn’t really all that comfortable talking about himself. Sure, he didn’t burst into spontaneous soliloquy or anything, but he did alright. And he had Sarah, and Liu Xi, and others, even Fleabot, who were good at getting to the stuff underneath... What would he have to talk about that he couldn’t talk through with them? He bit his lip. He was pretty sure he wasn’t crazy… But then, that’s probably what the guy in the tin-foil hat that came to shower in Sarah’s flat every Wednesday felt too… Flapjack pushed his way through the kitchen door, carrying the remains of a breakfast on a large serving tray with him. “You’re out of milk” Visionary managed through a mouthful of dried rice. He swallowed with effort. “Orange Juice too. It means having to eat your cereal dry, like animals.” “Yes… The Foxglove suite needed to replenish their fluids this morning…” he leered. “Mixed them both together with a jug of Gatorade. Seems like banging an electric woman in the shower as part of a threesome can run down one’s electrolytes, if you know what I’m saying…” He blinked as a spray of Krispies showered him from the mouth of the choking Legionnaire. “Not bad, but you really need to work up more phlegm to do it correctly. Here, let me show you how they spit on the help in the Old World…” “What?!” Visionary gasped, pounding his chest in an effort to clear his lungs. Hallie materialized by the oven. “Hey, does anyone know about some kind of weird power surge in the mansion last… VIZH!” she cried out, rushing over to the Regular. “Not again! Hang on…” She shoved him back in his chair as electricity built up around her fist. “Clear!” she yelled, pushing on the protesting man’s chest. “GACK!” Visionary answered, convulsing. “You should take off his pants. I hear that helps” the butler suggested. “Vizh?” Pricilla Dubios called out, swinging open the kitchen door. “Are you ready to… go..?” She stopped at the site of the odd grouping around the kitchen table. “Do I want to know what this is? Or why it smells like kerosene and burnt rice krispie treats in here?” “His aftershave may have caught fire a tiny bit” Hallie noted. “Actually, it always smelled like that” Flapjack supplied. “I was choking!” Visionary finally managed. “That’s all!” “Not having another heart attack?” the A.I. double checked. “No!” he complained. “Just a violent reaction to the surprise revelation of your naked, underwater couplings with my teammates!” Hallie blinked and blushed deeply, her mouth open in confusion. “What? I mean, I didn’t… that was… How did you…?” She shook her head and looked at him angrily. “That’s a private matter, thank you very much. And why should you care so much what I choose to do with Mr. Epitome?” “Yes, Vizh…” Pricilla asked with a raised eyebrow and an edge to her voice. “Why should you?” Visionary blinked in shock. “You had a threesome with Mr. Epitome and CrazySugarFreakBoy!?!” “Ooooh, nevermind…” Pricilla noted juicily. “I’d want to hear about that too. Along with most the gossip columnists of the country.” “I did what?” Hallie asked, completely confused. “No! Nonononononononono!” She stopped to consider it a moment. “No!” “A-heh… Whoops” Flapjack noted. “Wrong electric woman.” “Wait… what?” Visionary asked. “It was that blonde woman you dated… Lara something.” The legionnaire grew no less befuddled. “Lara Night had a threesome with Mr. Epitome and Dreamcatcher Foxglove?” “Nah… with the FreakBoy and his girlfriend” the butler clarified. “Pixelbottom here apparently had the slippery sex with Epitome.” Hallie was blushing furiously enough to permanently alter her tint settings. “I, um… think I’m needed in the mainframe” she noted, beating a hasty retreat as she blinked out. “Say what you want about this place…” Pricilla noted happily, helping herself to some coffee, “…But at least my visits here are never dull.” She took a sip and looked to her boyfriend. “Well, now that the juicy stuff is all sorted out, are you ready for our outing?” “Eh, everyone already knew about you two long ago.” Flapjack noted disinterestedly. He looked to Visionary, who was still staring straight ahead in shock. “Hmmmm… You might want to give him a minute or two. I know I needed a good half hour to mentally picture those events over and over again, privately. At least until the film developed.” He pushed his way back out of the kitchen. “Vizh?” Pricilla asked again. “What? Oh…” he blinked and shook his head. “Sorry… That’s just a lot to take in over breakfast. It’s a bit of… a surprise.” He swallowed thickly. She shrugged and drained her coffee cup. “You never know about people, do you?” she asked. “Ready to go then?” “Hmmm?” he responded, coming out of his thoughts. “Yeah… definitely.” He stood up, taking one last look at the business card he held. “What’s that?” she asked him, putting her cup back on the counter. “Oh, nothing I guess…” He answered, tossing it in the trash and wiping his hands. “So… what do you want to do today?” She shot him a steamy glance and smiled wickedly. |
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